She is back..

It is time to write about Candy. My second cat baby. Six months in to adopting Nala, Divya started saying that we should get one more cat to give Nala company. I kept pushing back until one day Divya pleaded that we just go see, checkout the cats at the shelter, no need to adopt. She wanted to checkout love bug cats which are supposedly more cuddly. I gave in and took her to the shelter and just walked behind her. We went past one room and there was this cat which was bright orange who immediately seeing us pass ran to glass wall and put up he paws and literally slid side ways with us as we walked. we went around and came back and saw the same thing happen when we passed that room again. I was so curious as I had not seen such an expressive cat in the pas visits. It was almost like a dog, the cat was putting up her paws as she saw us and meowed. We asked to get in to that room to check out the Orange cat. Once in and we sat down the orange cat was literally all over me and Diva, climbed on to my lap put her face to my face, rolled and then went to Divya's lap and back and forth. I fell in love but again I definitely felt that a second cat is too much and so we left the shelter, Oh Boy! I was haunted by the cuddles and lap sitting that the orange cat did I kept thinking about it and by the end of the day started yearning for a pet like that. So the next day it was me who said to Divya  that we are going back. All the way while driving I was wishing that no one already adopted the orange cat. I was relieved when I saw the cat still at the Shelter. I told Divya that we are adopting the cat, Divya was not very welcoming as this orange cat was characterized as a side kick, meaning very active and playful, but she wanted a calm cuddle baby. I was like, either this cat or no second cat, she grudgingly agreed and we got her home. Until we brought her home, both Sandhya and Mani were totally unaware of it, they did not even know that me and Divya went to the shelter.

Once in the house, Mani just opened the box and let her out before I can caution him about introducing a second cat in the house when there is another one already. At the shelter , they gave us specific instruction on how to introduce the cat slowly as cats are territorial, seeing another cat suddenly may cause panic to the existing cat and they may not have a good relationship.

And that's what exactly happened, Nala looked at the cat and panicked, she started hissing and ran and hid under the bed. It was a rocky introduction and till date they don't get along very well :(. After about 2 weeks Nala got accustomed that there is another cat , stopped hissing but still she kept her own sleeping places and avoided the new cat.

The cat, originally named Puffin at the shelter, was very friendly and playful, unlike Nala, who is very shy and took a long time to trust us and our home as her place. Initially I planned to name Puffin as mittai as in the orange mittai, but both sandhya and divya gave a stinky eye for that name so I changed it to candy.

candy was so playful, that guests visiting our house wondered if she was a hybrid of cat and dog. Candy was comfortable around small kids , she even ran and tried to fetch a ball, only that she will not bring it back to us :)

Candy likes to go out explore the neighborhood but she always did not go far, and will be running to us when we whistle.

Let me be frank, both Nala and candy are my favorite babies at the moment but Candy a tiny bit more than Nala

This whole outgoing thing changed with Candy when we moved to another home last fall. It was traumatic to the cats. Took a while for them to get used and some thing changed that Candy was scared and refused to go out , even to the back yard. We initially thought it was because of cold weather but saw that she does not want to go, I could feel her heart race when I held her. We left at it and about 6 months in to the move, and as the weather got warmer we kept the backyard door open and slowly Candy started coming out and hang out with us outside but will run in as she saw us going in.

Then one day Mani was working in the backyard and apparently Candy had gone out, Mani unaware that she went out came in and closed the door. Looks like Candy spotted some bird or squirrel and had followed over jumping fence. After a while at night we realized Candy was missing so we went out and whistled but she was no where at sight. WE thought she would come back but as time passed we got worried since this is a new location, what if she is lost and could not fine her way back or sometimes she climbs tree involuntarily when she spots a squirrel but does not know how to get down and will fear to jump, this happened couple of times earlier when Mani had to pull in a ladder to get her down from the tree.

We let the night go hoping she would somehow come back in the morning. I went to work and came back in the evening and came to know that Candy still did not return. I never felt so sad before. Me and Mani were so worried, the girls blamed us of being careless with pets (all time) and went their way. we both walked around the neighboring streets whistling and calling out her name. Mani printed out posters with her picture and started to paste around lampposts around neighborhood

After about an hour roaming around the neighborhood we came back with conclusion that we may not get our Candy back. That feeling of sadness loosing a pet cannot be explained . Just as were talking on the driveway we saw  Candy jumping from fence from the opposite house and running towards us. Don't know where she was all along probably hiding somewhere fearing dogs.. Oh the joy of seeing her. She was also so happy to be back I guess, She was rubbing and rubbing against me and Mani, circling our feet and rolling on the floor.

She was back, and again she is very cautious going out, probably she got scared of something and might have been hiding in someones backyard behind some bush. At least I'm relieved that she knows her way back to home. I don't know how I'm going to take when they get old and sick and time to let them go.. sure going to be painful.

Day to day...

Last weekend I was chatting with a friend at a birthday party, the conversation turned towards stress with teenagers at home and being full time working mom and lack of time. I dutifully as I of late doing, started about introducing meditation..about how a few minutes even 15 mts in the morning helps me to be aware of my temper..control my urge to loose my temper during stressful times be it with the girls in the morning rush or anything at work. I mentioned I actually find life be more smoother, not that it actually is but the practice helps me perceive it so. The friend I was chatting with was reluctant and well aware that I workout regularly so she popped up the question where do you get time for all these. This is not the first time I get this question, me being in awe of some other women, executives who juggle so many things including being in the board of some handful of non-profit organization on top of their day time job and being involved in their kids school etc.. I'm surprised I'm getting this question for the very little I'm doing.

I put little bit of thinking after she asked me on how I manage it, to be precise I do this as day to day activities just as we brush and shower. I think that is the simplest way to put it. What ever and how ever our day is going to be, we never forget to brush, shower or eat..that each of it takes time so naturally we calculate and build our activities adding the time it takes to do all these. We know we have to be at work or someplace at a certain time, so we calculate how long will it take to reach..at that point what we are actually doing is including  the time it takes to do all the mundane stuff..and then think, ok I need to get up at this time in order to reach there at a certain time..without being too much conscious of the task we do. Same thing..once you get that the things you want to do regularly in to your routine, you will be able to push around things to accommodate with out being too conscious. But if you consider something to be a outside of your regular routine that's when you start becoming conscious of time and probably think we may not be able to do that.

It has become more a clock work for me. Give me a day and time, I might be able to tell what I will be doing or what I should be doing mostly..it has become so much so that I sometimes wonder I might have a mild case of OCD, because if I'm not doing something at a certain time I get anxious.

Weekday Mon-Fri I have the alarm set to 5:30. I get up at 5:45, finish my morning washroom duties and come down at 6:15. Start the tea, start packing lunch and breakfast for the girls. By the time I'm done the tea will be ready. Divya leave at about 6:55 and usually Mani drops her. That's when I sit down to have my tea and me time , usually its watching news and simultaneously checking whatsapp for 15 mts. thats how long it takes  for me to finish my tea. 7:15 I sit down for meditation, approximately 7:40 but mostly 7:45 Sandhya comes rushing down, thats my cue to get up. I drop off Sandhya at school, come back home about just after 8. I prepare my lunch or semi prepare for dinner like cutting veggies so it is easier in the evening. Between 8:30 to 9 I login, sometimes there will be some early morning meeting that I attend, while attending i multi task and have my breakfast or check my emails and calendar for meetings for that day, I also list down To Do's both personal and work items carried over from the previous day. Once I'm done with that, 9 or 9:30 I shower and get ready for work. Of course having flexible work schedule and less then 10 mts drive to work helps a LOT. I come back from work usually around 5, if Mani is not available I check out at 3 pm to pick up the girls and then log back from home. Between 5 to 6 I wash dishes and prepare for Dinner. 6 I leave to workout. 7:15 I come back, take a shower, complete dinner. Clean up the dishes and kitchen and by 9:30 I'm ready to go to bed. I do my clean up meditation for 10 mts and some times even in the middle of it I'm half asleep.. If not I check my phone and watch couple of late night show or try to read a book and most probably I will be deep in sleep by 10:15.

In order to make the weekdays go smooth, I prepare and plan over the weekend, like the grocery, pre make ingredients so I can put together the food be it lunch for the girls or dinner for the fam in matter of 20 - 30 mts max. I for one won't boast I like to cook. I like to eat though, but I'm not a person who would toil in the kitchen. I most of the time keep the meals simple during the weekdays. To meet that I pre-boil Pastas and sphagetti and freeze, make a big batch of idli batter, Cook big batches of parupu which is the base for sambar or kootu or whatever etc over the weekend. So putting together a meal is a mere heating, saute some veggies and mixing with sauce or parupu. I'm done with cooking by 20 mts , clean the dishes and counters another 30 mts, I'm done for the night. I also pour my heart in my home. We rarely have social engagements over weekend, except for the girls activities, I do not go out except for grocery and gym or long runs early morning, 90% of the time I spend inside home. I do laundry for my own cloths and now the girls have at last *eye roll* taken up the responsibility of doing their own laundry..and Sundays before lunch dedicated time for cleaning the home..I spend a good 2-2.5 hrs every week vacuuming, mopping and cleaning the bathrooms. I have never employed anyone for home cleaning though lot of my friends around me have opted for gardeners and maids who come once a week. Mani usually takes care of garden and home fixes. So its a clock work like I said, if its 10 am Sunday you can guarantee that you can see me cleaning the home.

I know some people does not like to organize and plan everything, they go with the flow, like cook dinner what ever they feel like that moment, do laundry even middle of week when they run out of garments.. but I grew to organize ..I think this habit started after I had kids and during when I commuted to SFO for work which was more than 2 hrs of commute in a day, and with small kids if I were not organized, it was a struggle to come home and have the energy to cook a meal from the scratch and keep things moving. I stuck with that. And in the middle of all these comes all the family drama handling the teenagers :) It literally will be empty after 3 years. I will strongly be impacted with the empty nest syndrome once they move out to college. I know and I'm planning to take up more running, hiking and working out. Fingers crossed. 

The weekend was little productive. I did some lawn work, so strenuous. I actually planned to mow the lawn but did not get anywhere near it. Just scrapping the fallen leaves took me almost 1 1/2 hrs, given 3 weeks of continuous storm and rain. Then I lost steam and gave up. But at least the lawn is clean of leaves and ready to be mowed as soon as Mani arrives. I also did some re potting of in door plants which was long overdue and started with vegetable garden. Seeded in small cups inside home as still the temperatures overnight are unpredictable, might go below freezing. Then the usual stuff, groceries and workouts. I was regular with the bootcamp classes last week. thumb up, but not so regular with meditation, thumb down there. Unfortunately I was too tired 3 days to get up early, and unfortunately I had early work calls starting from 8:30, which is when I come back home after dropping Sandhya at school, so just slipped. Need to get back to regularly. Thought of going out to a different cuisine with the girls before Mani comes back as once he is back family dinners outside are usually only Indian  or Chinese. But it not happen, girls were lazy to get dressed and go out and eat. They wanted me to go eat and get take out for them, I said no. Said I would rather cook, as the whole "going out to eat" is a way to spend time together in a different setting.

Other then that its usual weekend. Stayed home mostly, watched some old K.Balachander movies :). Navagraham .. was ok except for Nagesh, its usual KB touches here and there but not that impact full.

Work is ramping up again. Back to back calls and an urgent deliverable that came up late last week which is highly visible at the management higher echelons. Driving it along with 2 other escalations. Glad Mani is back I can skip leaving work at 3 pm, it is kind of distracting to get out when in middle of something at 3 pm and then log in again from home. I usually just give up if there is no meting and log on later in the night to catch up which was also reason I was tired to get up early

Next week its Spring break. Have not planned anything for now. The girls asked the genuine question, "what if appa does not want to go anywhere because he just traveled? shall we still go somewhere?" I wanted to take a break but not too much inclined to travel anywhere. Let's see how it goes, may be an unplanned trip to the SF city possible.

Mani is in India , left 2 weeks back, arriving next week, which makes almost 3 1/2 weeks. this is the longest time he is away from home. I'm almost breathless sometimes with all the drop off pick up, cooking , chores around house, some deadlines with bills , dealing with tantrums by the girls and added to that some hectic calls at work. I'm thankful my work is flexible, I can take the call while driving which is helping me going but honestly looking forward for Mani to arrive. I cannot fathom how single moms do.

Divya completed her Level 6 violin CM. Passed out with Honors. We saw a huge improvement in her playing with the current instructor. Her instructor is an young graduate with Music masters. Early 20's she was able to gel well with Divya and I should not deny the fact that she is very good with her teaching skills, she is a concert performer as well which was added bonus. The sad thing is she is leaving the current studio which means Divya's instructor is changing again. She had a session with the replacement instructor. I was also invited to be present at the studio. This instructor is a "He", again young, qualified but looks uncomfortable teaching. Probably new being an instructor. I have tentatively confirmed and said after couple of weeks based on how the session goes we will re evaluate if she will continue with that instructor or change to a different one. The problem is Divya is hard to adapt to any change. Be it food or anything. She sticks to one thing and very hard to make her accept or adapt to changes. She has already started sulking. I wish the old instructor continued for 3 more years after that Divya will be done with Violin. Of course life never goes as expected.


Literally gave up on Sandhya and her swimming. She can do only one thing at a time. If she has assignment she cannot go for swim session , if she goes for swim she quite definitely misses her assignment. I don;t know if I or Mani can do anything. So I gave up, Mani is still trying.. I let her decide which takes priority and do that.. that said she missed swim whole week stating she has assignment and projects. *eyes rolling*. I'm complaining because we are paying fees for her swim for her private team even though she is part of her school swim team she still don't want to leave the private team AND not go. If some one can explain me what is going through her conscience and tell me that makes sense, it will help me not stressing out.

What else.. that's all for now I think..life is humming along nothing major. I will have to record my updates about my other 2 girls Nala and Candy.. soon

I started Meditation, started following The Heartfullness Way in Jan 2017, its over a year now that I'm practicing it. Probably I will use this space as a journal to my experiences. It is not with any conviction I started following the Heartfullness Way, I was rather looking for some kind of outlet to my personal situations and turmoil I was going through that period of time. I got a contact close to where I live through my sister who is practicing this for a while now. I took that opportunity to try, as I did not have any expectations, but with my little reading knowledge I know Meditation is something I would want to take up in my life at some point, but only I did not know where to start. So that was a perfect moment and opportunity to start which I did.

I met with the preceptor, received 3 inductions sitting for 3 days consecutively, which is basically a guidance on how to start with Mediation, the process and what to expect and such. I was told that when I sit meditating, it is natural to get thoughts arising, could be about anything, and was instructed to gently let go of the thought and remind myself gently about the present and divert attention to my heart and relax. That's an easy sentence to write and it was the hardest to do. On my second day, so much emotions going through my mind, I could not control sobbing, nothing in particular but I was sobbing uncontrollably. After that session I did feel lighter, but it was definitely not a magic pill that continued and everything was a happy path that day onward, actually far from it.

Regardless I kept practicing, usually I loose count of the times I remind myself that I'm mediating and gently bring back my attention to my heart during the mediation but I was told that is fine, I just need to accept that by going through the thoughts it basically means that I'm indirectly letting go of them from my system and will help me feel lighter and more cheerful from within. I believed, I said to myself every time I bring back my attention to "Let it go, it's Ok" I take a deep breath and relax focusing on my inner self and divinity I try to move towards.

I should admit I struggled to keep up with my practice around June of Last year when I lost my friend to brain tumor. I witnessed her passing away. That was the most closest loss I had in my life until that point. In fact this is one of the mental state that studies say Meditation helps to regain stability and calmness, but I could not do. I could not sit with my eyes closed for even few minutes without the thoughts of loss and life occupying my mind and more than that feeling of fear. For over 2 months I did not get anywhere near the thought of sitting down for meditation. It was painful. Then slowly I started again, with frequent visit to my preceptor for my 1:1 sitting. they say in the Heart fullness way, session with preceptor helps elevate your experience as their years and years of meditative experience help clean/purify the receptor or the abhyasi. I can vouch for that. I don't know what, nor can I explain or prove this is what is happening but, it does make me feel less burdened and more pious

This is not about religion or belief about god, it is about simple truth that every soul is divine, a path to naturally bring that inner divinity by practicing, by letting the heart guide you, it is the belief that every soul is right in their own perspective

Over the time, I noticed subtle difference in my decision making factors. My introspection on my deficits. This introspection helped change my attitude and how I react to a situation. This I feel was the biggest thing.."How I react.." Introspection helped me see myself. It is like a domino, you trigger one which leads to chain of events, similarly you change or fix one thing which leads to outcomes that you really did not plan. I fixed my reaction , which mainly includes anger and ego, which no wonder led to positive changes around me. When you are calm, the situation is under your control. It is still on going progress though.

I noticed that I do not dwell on small things by practicing letting go off, helped me to see or handle a situation as a third party. To see the situation outside of the circle to make more sense of it rather than being inside of it and dwelling on it which in my opinion leads to regrettable decisions. This may sound subtle but I cannot explain how big a change it is bringing in my outlook to life.

So what is the point?, what is life?, what is beyond family?. what is your purpose?

Practicing detachment is my goal. Detachment including family, situations and materials. This I think is the key for inner peace and happiness. Don't want to get attached and dwell inside of it. Get outside of the circle. Be pious , take decision from the heart as much as possible. That is my goal, that is my purpose. It may not help the world but it will help me and my surrounding ..remember the domino effect, you never know what ripple effect it will induce..I'm going for it.

Patience..

I am not a zen like patient person but neither did I think that I am easily triggered to a rage albeit non-violent. I am being put through the test starting a year or so back when the girls hit the dreading teens. A simple statement avalanches in to an un-stoppable argument  draining my energy and loosing focus on what is the case in point which started the argument. Almost always there is never a case in point. Few months back I was forced to a take a step back to think about it, thanks to various situations leading up to it. I was surprised to realize how quickly I was engrossed every time when there is an argument to prove my point , yelling over them trying to prove that I'm right jut because I'm a parent so I know and trying to make them surrender and follow my words. I realized I did not come to terms with the fact that they are growing in to adults and they are bound to have their opinions, right or wrong,  which I had a hard time to accept. So really the problem was me not growing as a parent and accepting them as individuals. I blame partly the way I was brought up. I was conditioned basically to believe a dependent child does not have a voiceor decision making right , leave alone raising the voice to state an opinion, as long as the decision is made by the adults aka parents. If at all there was a difference of opinion, there was prompt raise of a authority to put me down in place. Authority, I was made to believe, is the way to raise the children.

Being authoritative clearly did not work in my case with my girls. It just resulted in heart ache, ego crumbling self pity that I'm not being respected and I did not raise them properly. It took me a while during that time of stepping back, to understand that being respected does not directly equate to children follow your orders without any opinion, there is nothing wrong of them to confront me. They are not robots, they are blossoming individuals. I felt I just snapped out of some vicious inner circle. It is OK to have an opinion, especially when they are trying to find an identity for themselves, they want to oppose everything just for the sake of it, Many a time I do see that they confront even though they know they make no sense,it is part of growing up which clearly I did not have. Some times it is better to let them take wrong decisions and experience what it takes to correct the wrong choice then to force them to do anything that we think is right. This is so very valuable for them, to arrive at right decisions later in life.

I realized that this very thing is what I missed growing up which made my life not very smooth when I started out first outside of the shadow of my Parents. I was so fearful  to make a decision on anything, because I was used to parents making it for me under the idea that they are experienced , will never let me fail. True, may be up until that point before I was independent I was not essentially a failure by social standards, but then  I was fearful that I might be a failure left on my own, which was crippling me to do anything on my own, I was always looking for assertion by someone, help from someone to lead me, who can take care of me, take right decisions for me so I'm not burdened by all of this. I was willing to be submissive.

I definitely don't want the girls to go through the same thing and realize at 40's like me. Now a days I catch myself when we are getting in to an argument. I state my opinion but let them decide though not that easy I should say. This is were I'm working on my patience to not get agitated. Can I say I see a faint light at the end of the dark tunnel. I have seen them come back to me reversing their decision , reason being they discussed with their friends couple of times though not all the times. I'm willing to let them fail now rather later in life when sometimes it might be more difficult to turn around.

God Of Small Things..

I started with this book for the 7th time. I never get tired of this one.. I get a craving once in few years to read. There is no other writing that I have read so far, that has impacted me in a way Arundati's God Of Small Things did to me at various levels of emotions.

I get choked every time I come to the point where Rahel and Estha gets separated. Every time I get amazed at the powerful narration. This is the only book where I went right back to the first page when the story ended to start again. You need to, when you are reading for the first time, when all the loose ends gets tied, when you have all the scenes in your mind racing, you have to go back to the first page inevitably once you reach the last.

I read this first time when I was 22 yrs. The layers and depth of the story keep peeling out every time  I read as I get older.

I got mesmerized by the style of writing, the way a location is described or the way emotions are braided and displayed in each character. Most of it all I can relate to, more so with Ammu as I age.