She is back..

It is time to write about Candy. My second cat baby. Six months in to adopting Nala, Divya started saying that we should get one more cat to give Nala company. I kept pushing back until one day Divya pleaded that we just go see, checkout the cats at the shelter, no need to adopt. She wanted to checkout love bug cats which are supposedly more cuddly. I gave in and took her to the shelter and just walked behind her. We went past one room and there was this cat which was bright orange who immediately seeing us pass ran to glass wall and put up he paws and literally slid side ways with us as we walked. we went around and came back and saw the same thing happen when we passed that room again. I was so curious as I had not seen such an expressive cat in the pas visits. It was almost like a dog, the cat was putting up her paws as she saw us and meowed. We asked to get in to that room to check out the Orange cat. Once in and we sat down the orange cat was literally all over me and Diva, climbed on to my lap put her face to my face, rolled and then went to Divya's lap and back and forth. I fell in love but again I definitely felt that a second cat is too much and so we left the shelter, Oh Boy! I was haunted by the cuddles and lap sitting that the orange cat did I kept thinking about it and by the end of the day started yearning for a pet like that. So the next day it was me who said to Divya  that we are going back. All the way while driving I was wishing that no one already adopted the orange cat. I was relieved when I saw the cat still at the Shelter. I told Divya that we are adopting the cat, Divya was not very welcoming as this orange cat was characterized as a side kick, meaning very active and playful, but she wanted a calm cuddle baby. I was like, either this cat or no second cat, she grudgingly agreed and we got her home. Until we brought her home, both Sandhya and Mani were totally unaware of it, they did not even know that me and Divya went to the shelter.

Once in the house, Mani just opened the box and let her out before I can caution him about introducing a second cat in the house when there is another one already. At the shelter , they gave us specific instruction on how to introduce the cat slowly as cats are territorial, seeing another cat suddenly may cause panic to the existing cat and they may not have a good relationship.

And that's what exactly happened, Nala looked at the cat and panicked, she started hissing and ran and hid under the bed. It was a rocky introduction and till date they don't get along very well :(. After about 2 weeks Nala got accustomed that there is another cat , stopped hissing but still she kept her own sleeping places and avoided the new cat.

The cat, originally named Puffin at the shelter, was very friendly and playful, unlike Nala, who is very shy and took a long time to trust us and our home as her place. Initially I planned to name Puffin as mittai as in the orange mittai, but both sandhya and divya gave a stinky eye for that name so I changed it to candy.

candy was so playful, that guests visiting our house wondered if she was a hybrid of cat and dog. Candy was comfortable around small kids , she even ran and tried to fetch a ball, only that she will not bring it back to us :)

Candy likes to go out explore the neighborhood but she always did not go far, and will be running to us when we whistle.

Let me be frank, both Nala and candy are my favorite babies at the moment but Candy a tiny bit more than Nala

This whole outgoing thing changed with Candy when we moved to another home last fall. It was traumatic to the cats. Took a while for them to get used and some thing changed that Candy was scared and refused to go out , even to the back yard. We initially thought it was because of cold weather but saw that she does not want to go, I could feel her heart race when I held her. We left at it and about 6 months in to the move, and as the weather got warmer we kept the backyard door open and slowly Candy started coming out and hang out with us outside but will run in as she saw us going in.

Then one day Mani was working in the backyard and apparently Candy had gone out, Mani unaware that she went out came in and closed the door. Looks like Candy spotted some bird or squirrel and had followed over jumping fence. After a while at night we realized Candy was missing so we went out and whistled but she was no where at sight. WE thought she would come back but as time passed we got worried since this is a new location, what if she is lost and could not fine her way back or sometimes she climbs tree involuntarily when she spots a squirrel but does not know how to get down and will fear to jump, this happened couple of times earlier when Mani had to pull in a ladder to get her down from the tree.

We let the night go hoping she would somehow come back in the morning. I went to work and came back in the evening and came to know that Candy still did not return. I never felt so sad before. Me and Mani were so worried, the girls blamed us of being careless with pets (all time) and went their way. we both walked around the neighboring streets whistling and calling out her name. Mani printed out posters with her picture and started to paste around lampposts around neighborhood

After about an hour roaming around the neighborhood we came back with conclusion that we may not get our Candy back. That feeling of sadness loosing a pet cannot be explained . Just as were talking on the driveway we saw  Candy jumping from fence from the opposite house and running towards us. Don't know where she was all along probably hiding somewhere fearing dogs.. Oh the joy of seeing her. She was also so happy to be back I guess, She was rubbing and rubbing against me and Mani, circling our feet and rolling on the floor.

She was back, and again she is very cautious going out, probably she got scared of something and might have been hiding in someones backyard behind some bush. At least I'm relieved that she knows her way back to home. I don't know how I'm going to take when they get old and sick and time to let them go.. sure going to be painful.

Day to day...

Last weekend I was chatting with a friend at a birthday party, the conversation turned towards stress with teenagers at home and being full time working mom and lack of time. I dutifully as I of late doing, started about introducing meditation..about how a few minutes even 15 mts in the morning helps me to be aware of my temper..control my urge to loose my temper during stressful times be it with the girls in the morning rush or anything at work. I mentioned I actually find life be more smoother, not that it actually is but the practice helps me perceive it so. The friend I was chatting with was reluctant and well aware that I workout regularly so she popped up the question where do you get time for all these. This is not the first time I get this question, me being in awe of some other women, executives who juggle so many things including being in the board of some handful of non-profit organization on top of their day time job and being involved in their kids school etc.. I'm surprised I'm getting this question for the very little I'm doing.

I put little bit of thinking after she asked me on how I manage it, to be precise I do this as day to day activities just as we brush and shower. I think that is the simplest way to put it. What ever and how ever our day is going to be, we never forget to brush, shower or eat..that each of it takes time so naturally we calculate and build our activities adding the time it takes to do all these. We know we have to be at work or someplace at a certain time, so we calculate how long will it take to reach..at that point what we are actually doing is including  the time it takes to do all the mundane stuff..and then think, ok I need to get up at this time in order to reach there at a certain time..without being too much conscious of the task we do. Same thing..once you get that the things you want to do regularly in to your routine, you will be able to push around things to accommodate with out being too conscious. But if you consider something to be a outside of your regular routine that's when you start becoming conscious of time and probably think we may not be able to do that.

It has become more a clock work for me. Give me a day and time, I might be able to tell what I will be doing or what I should be doing mostly..it has become so much so that I sometimes wonder I might have a mild case of OCD, because if I'm not doing something at a certain time I get anxious.

Weekday Mon-Fri I have the alarm set to 5:30. I get up at 5:45, finish my morning washroom duties and come down at 6:15. Start the tea, start packing lunch and breakfast for the girls. By the time I'm done the tea will be ready. Divya leave at about 6:55 and usually Mani drops her. That's when I sit down to have my tea and me time , usually its watching news and simultaneously checking whatsapp for 15 mts. thats how long it takes  for me to finish my tea. 7:15 I sit down for meditation, approximately 7:40 but mostly 7:45 Sandhya comes rushing down, thats my cue to get up. I drop off Sandhya at school, come back home about just after 8. I prepare my lunch or semi prepare for dinner like cutting veggies so it is easier in the evening. Between 8:30 to 9 I login, sometimes there will be some early morning meeting that I attend, while attending i multi task and have my breakfast or check my emails and calendar for meetings for that day, I also list down To Do's both personal and work items carried over from the previous day. Once I'm done with that, 9 or 9:30 I shower and get ready for work. Of course having flexible work schedule and less then 10 mts drive to work helps a LOT. I come back from work usually around 5, if Mani is not available I check out at 3 pm to pick up the girls and then log back from home. Between 5 to 6 I wash dishes and prepare for Dinner. 6 I leave to workout. 7:15 I come back, take a shower, complete dinner. Clean up the dishes and kitchen and by 9:30 I'm ready to go to bed. I do my clean up meditation for 10 mts and some times even in the middle of it I'm half asleep.. If not I check my phone and watch couple of late night show or try to read a book and most probably I will be deep in sleep by 10:15.

In order to make the weekdays go smooth, I prepare and plan over the weekend, like the grocery, pre make ingredients so I can put together the food be it lunch for the girls or dinner for the fam in matter of 20 - 30 mts max. I for one won't boast I like to cook. I like to eat though, but I'm not a person who would toil in the kitchen. I most of the time keep the meals simple during the weekdays. To meet that I pre-boil Pastas and sphagetti and freeze, make a big batch of idli batter, Cook big batches of parupu which is the base for sambar or kootu or whatever etc over the weekend. So putting together a meal is a mere heating, saute some veggies and mixing with sauce or parupu. I'm done with cooking by 20 mts , clean the dishes and counters another 30 mts, I'm done for the night. I also pour my heart in my home. We rarely have social engagements over weekend, except for the girls activities, I do not go out except for grocery and gym or long runs early morning, 90% of the time I spend inside home. I do laundry for my own cloths and now the girls have at last *eye roll* taken up the responsibility of doing their own laundry..and Sundays before lunch dedicated time for cleaning the home..I spend a good 2-2.5 hrs every week vacuuming, mopping and cleaning the bathrooms. I have never employed anyone for home cleaning though lot of my friends around me have opted for gardeners and maids who come once a week. Mani usually takes care of garden and home fixes. So its a clock work like I said, if its 10 am Sunday you can guarantee that you can see me cleaning the home.

I know some people does not like to organize and plan everything, they go with the flow, like cook dinner what ever they feel like that moment, do laundry even middle of week when they run out of garments.. but I grew to organize ..I think this habit started after I had kids and during when I commuted to SFO for work which was more than 2 hrs of commute in a day, and with small kids if I were not organized, it was a struggle to come home and have the energy to cook a meal from the scratch and keep things moving. I stuck with that. And in the middle of all these comes all the family drama handling the teenagers :) It literally will be empty after 3 years. I will strongly be impacted with the empty nest syndrome once they move out to college. I know and I'm planning to take up more running, hiking and working out. Fingers crossed. 

The weekend was little productive. I did some lawn work, so strenuous. I actually planned to mow the lawn but did not get anywhere near it. Just scrapping the fallen leaves took me almost 1 1/2 hrs, given 3 weeks of continuous storm and rain. Then I lost steam and gave up. But at least the lawn is clean of leaves and ready to be mowed as soon as Mani arrives. I also did some re potting of in door plants which was long overdue and started with vegetable garden. Seeded in small cups inside home as still the temperatures overnight are unpredictable, might go below freezing. Then the usual stuff, groceries and workouts. I was regular with the bootcamp classes last week. thumb up, but not so regular with meditation, thumb down there. Unfortunately I was too tired 3 days to get up early, and unfortunately I had early work calls starting from 8:30, which is when I come back home after dropping Sandhya at school, so just slipped. Need to get back to regularly. Thought of going out to a different cuisine with the girls before Mani comes back as once he is back family dinners outside are usually only Indian  or Chinese. But it not happen, girls were lazy to get dressed and go out and eat. They wanted me to go eat and get take out for them, I said no. Said I would rather cook, as the whole "going out to eat" is a way to spend time together in a different setting.

Other then that its usual weekend. Stayed home mostly, watched some old K.Balachander movies :). Navagraham .. was ok except for Nagesh, its usual KB touches here and there but not that impact full.

Work is ramping up again. Back to back calls and an urgent deliverable that came up late last week which is highly visible at the management higher echelons. Driving it along with 2 other escalations. Glad Mani is back I can skip leaving work at 3 pm, it is kind of distracting to get out when in middle of something at 3 pm and then log in again from home. I usually just give up if there is no meting and log on later in the night to catch up which was also reason I was tired to get up early

Next week its Spring break. Have not planned anything for now. The girls asked the genuine question, "what if appa does not want to go anywhere because he just traveled? shall we still go somewhere?" I wanted to take a break but not too much inclined to travel anywhere. Let's see how it goes, may be an unplanned trip to the SF city possible.

Mani is in India , left 2 weeks back, arriving next week, which makes almost 3 1/2 weeks. this is the longest time he is away from home. I'm almost breathless sometimes with all the drop off pick up, cooking , chores around house, some deadlines with bills , dealing with tantrums by the girls and added to that some hectic calls at work. I'm thankful my work is flexible, I can take the call while driving which is helping me going but honestly looking forward for Mani to arrive. I cannot fathom how single moms do.

Divya completed her Level 6 violin CM. Passed out with Honors. We saw a huge improvement in her playing with the current instructor. Her instructor is an young graduate with Music masters. Early 20's she was able to gel well with Divya and I should not deny the fact that she is very good with her teaching skills, she is a concert performer as well which was added bonus. The sad thing is she is leaving the current studio which means Divya's instructor is changing again. She had a session with the replacement instructor. I was also invited to be present at the studio. This instructor is a "He", again young, qualified but looks uncomfortable teaching. Probably new being an instructor. I have tentatively confirmed and said after couple of weeks based on how the session goes we will re evaluate if she will continue with that instructor or change to a different one. The problem is Divya is hard to adapt to any change. Be it food or anything. She sticks to one thing and very hard to make her accept or adapt to changes. She has already started sulking. I wish the old instructor continued for 3 more years after that Divya will be done with Violin. Of course life never goes as expected.


Literally gave up on Sandhya and her swimming. She can do only one thing at a time. If she has assignment she cannot go for swim session , if she goes for swim she quite definitely misses her assignment. I don;t know if I or Mani can do anything. So I gave up, Mani is still trying.. I let her decide which takes priority and do that.. that said she missed swim whole week stating she has assignment and projects. *eyes rolling*. I'm complaining because we are paying fees for her swim for her private team even though she is part of her school swim team she still don't want to leave the private team AND not go. If some one can explain me what is going through her conscience and tell me that makes sense, it will help me not stressing out.

What else.. that's all for now I think..life is humming along nothing major. I will have to record my updates about my other 2 girls Nala and Candy.. soon

I started Meditation, started following The Heartfullness Way in Jan 2017, its over a year now that I'm practicing it. Probably I will use this space as a journal to my experiences. It is not with any conviction I started following the Heartfullness Way, I was rather looking for some kind of outlet to my personal situations and turmoil I was going through that period of time. I got a contact close to where I live through my sister who is practicing this for a while now. I took that opportunity to try, as I did not have any expectations, but with my little reading knowledge I know Meditation is something I would want to take up in my life at some point, but only I did not know where to start. So that was a perfect moment and opportunity to start which I did.

I met with the preceptor, received 3 inductions sitting for 3 days consecutively, which is basically a guidance on how to start with Mediation, the process and what to expect and such. I was told that when I sit meditating, it is natural to get thoughts arising, could be about anything, and was instructed to gently let go of the thought and remind myself gently about the present and divert attention to my heart and relax. That's an easy sentence to write and it was the hardest to do. On my second day, so much emotions going through my mind, I could not control sobbing, nothing in particular but I was sobbing uncontrollably. After that session I did feel lighter, but it was definitely not a magic pill that continued and everything was a happy path that day onward, actually far from it.

Regardless I kept practicing, usually I loose count of the times I remind myself that I'm mediating and gently bring back my attention to my heart during the mediation but I was told that is fine, I just need to accept that by going through the thoughts it basically means that I'm indirectly letting go of them from my system and will help me feel lighter and more cheerful from within. I believed, I said to myself every time I bring back my attention to "Let it go, it's Ok" I take a deep breath and relax focusing on my inner self and divinity I try to move towards.

I should admit I struggled to keep up with my practice around June of Last year when I lost my friend to brain tumor. I witnessed her passing away. That was the most closest loss I had in my life until that point. In fact this is one of the mental state that studies say Meditation helps to regain stability and calmness, but I could not do. I could not sit with my eyes closed for even few minutes without the thoughts of loss and life occupying my mind and more than that feeling of fear. For over 2 months I did not get anywhere near the thought of sitting down for meditation. It was painful. Then slowly I started again, with frequent visit to my preceptor for my 1:1 sitting. they say in the Heart fullness way, session with preceptor helps elevate your experience as their years and years of meditative experience help clean/purify the receptor or the abhyasi. I can vouch for that. I don't know what, nor can I explain or prove this is what is happening but, it does make me feel less burdened and more pious

This is not about religion or belief about god, it is about simple truth that every soul is divine, a path to naturally bring that inner divinity by practicing, by letting the heart guide you, it is the belief that every soul is right in their own perspective

Over the time, I noticed subtle difference in my decision making factors. My introspection on my deficits. This introspection helped change my attitude and how I react to a situation. This I feel was the biggest thing.."How I react.." Introspection helped me see myself. It is like a domino, you trigger one which leads to chain of events, similarly you change or fix one thing which leads to outcomes that you really did not plan. I fixed my reaction , which mainly includes anger and ego, which no wonder led to positive changes around me. When you are calm, the situation is under your control. It is still on going progress though.

I noticed that I do not dwell on small things by practicing letting go off, helped me to see or handle a situation as a third party. To see the situation outside of the circle to make more sense of it rather than being inside of it and dwelling on it which in my opinion leads to regrettable decisions. This may sound subtle but I cannot explain how big a change it is bringing in my outlook to life.

So what is the point?, what is life?, what is beyond family?. what is your purpose?

Practicing detachment is my goal. Detachment including family, situations and materials. This I think is the key for inner peace and happiness. Don't want to get attached and dwell inside of it. Get outside of the circle. Be pious , take decision from the heart as much as possible. That is my goal, that is my purpose. It may not help the world but it will help me and my surrounding ..remember the domino effect, you never know what ripple effect it will induce..I'm going for it.

Patience..

I am not a zen like patient person but neither did I think that I am easily triggered to a rage albeit non-violent. I am being put through the test starting a year or so back when the girls hit the dreading teens. A simple statement avalanches in to an un-stoppable argument  draining my energy and loosing focus on what is the case in point which started the argument. Almost always there is never a case in point. Few months back I was forced to a take a step back to think about it, thanks to various situations leading up to it. I was surprised to realize how quickly I was engrossed every time when there is an argument to prove my point , yelling over them trying to prove that I'm right jut because I'm a parent so I know and trying to make them surrender and follow my words. I realized I did not come to terms with the fact that they are growing in to adults and they are bound to have their opinions, right or wrong,  which I had a hard time to accept. So really the problem was me not growing as a parent and accepting them as individuals. I blame partly the way I was brought up. I was conditioned basically to believe a dependent child does not have a voiceor decision making right , leave alone raising the voice to state an opinion, as long as the decision is made by the adults aka parents. If at all there was a difference of opinion, there was prompt raise of a authority to put me down in place. Authority, I was made to believe, is the way to raise the children.

Being authoritative clearly did not work in my case with my girls. It just resulted in heart ache, ego crumbling self pity that I'm not being respected and I did not raise them properly. It took me a while during that time of stepping back, to understand that being respected does not directly equate to children follow your orders without any opinion, there is nothing wrong of them to confront me. They are not robots, they are blossoming individuals. I felt I just snapped out of some vicious inner circle. It is OK to have an opinion, especially when they are trying to find an identity for themselves, they want to oppose everything just for the sake of it, Many a time I do see that they confront even though they know they make no sense,it is part of growing up which clearly I did not have. Some times it is better to let them take wrong decisions and experience what it takes to correct the wrong choice then to force them to do anything that we think is right. This is so very valuable for them, to arrive at right decisions later in life.

I realized that this very thing is what I missed growing up which made my life not very smooth when I started out first outside of the shadow of my Parents. I was so fearful  to make a decision on anything, because I was used to parents making it for me under the idea that they are experienced , will never let me fail. True, may be up until that point before I was independent I was not essentially a failure by social standards, but then  I was fearful that I might be a failure left on my own, which was crippling me to do anything on my own, I was always looking for assertion by someone, help from someone to lead me, who can take care of me, take right decisions for me so I'm not burdened by all of this. I was willing to be submissive.

I definitely don't want the girls to go through the same thing and realize at 40's like me. Now a days I catch myself when we are getting in to an argument. I state my opinion but let them decide though not that easy I should say. This is were I'm working on my patience to not get agitated. Can I say I see a faint light at the end of the dark tunnel. I have seen them come back to me reversing their decision , reason being they discussed with their friends couple of times though not all the times. I'm willing to let them fail now rather later in life when sometimes it might be more difficult to turn around.

God Of Small Things..

I started with this book for the 7th time. I never get tired of this one.. I get a craving once in few years to read. There is no other writing that I have read so far, that has impacted me in a way Arundati's God Of Small Things did to me at various levels of emotions.

I get choked every time I come to the point where Rahel and Estha gets separated. Every time I get amazed at the powerful narration. This is the only book where I went right back to the first page when the story ended to start again. You need to, when you are reading for the first time, when all the loose ends gets tied, when you have all the scenes in your mind racing, you have to go back to the first page inevitably once you reach the last.

I read this first time when I was 22 yrs. The layers and depth of the story keep peeling out every time  I read as I get older.

I got mesmerized by the style of writing, the way a location is described or the way emotions are braided and displayed in each character. Most of it all I can relate to, more so with Ammu as I age.

Nala Chronicles

Nala- My soul companion, that dream cuddly catchild with big eyes that expresses complete
surrender and affection looking in to my eyes, and melts my heart.

 Never in million years I imagined that I would have a cat as a pet in my house. Divya is a fanatic of the book series Warriors. Its basically a soap opera of cats and cat clans. She got in to it deeply , though personally I do not like or think its worth it as a good series, but its her interest. This added to the fact that the after school care person she went to when she was in elementary school owned couple of cats attracted Divya towards felines. When Sandhya and Divya were at the stage asking for pets, Sandhya was fixated about adopting a dog while Divya dropped a bomb saying she wants only cats. This conflict helped me for a while to postpone adopting any kind of pet.

I grew up with dogs. Im familiar with them including the "bites", which I was comfortable with but cats...it was never considered a pet to begin with the way I was brought up. I even told Divya that they are mean , will not even look in to your eyes like dogs does. So there was absolutely zero chance of getting a cat if at all we get a pet. This was going on for a quite some years.

 During the summer of 6th grade holidays Divya was constantly pestering me about getting an instagram account as her peers were on it..talk about peer pressure. I was desperately looking for some distraction and out of the blue I just threw in this deal, that if I get a cat she should not ask for social media until she is in 11th grade. She accepted the deal with open arms..because she is smart. She just have to wait for 2-3 years to get a social media account but she still gets a cat which would live for another 10-12 years to come and she gets both. For me I just overcame the pestering on daily basis. I was just thinking for that moment. I took her to the SPCA that weekend to keep up the promise. I really did not think in to this too much.

While all this is going on there was only one sentence that came out of Mani nonchalantly "I have nothing to do with the cat or any animal coming in to this house" ..he was like that lizard on the wall just watching us. We spent like 2-3 hrs checking out all the cats. She went in to a cat room named Tatiana. She sat down on the floor at the same time the cat woke up from its nap , walked slowly and smoothly got in to Divyas lap and started grooming. Divya fell in love immediately. Tatiana became Nala At that point I had no clue about cats and its behaviors. The next day one of our friend who also owns cat gave me a book on cats. Quiet interesting. I was apprehensive for the first few weeks to even touch her..restricting Divya not to let Nala on her bed, or sofa , put away the litter and food in the garage. It was about the same time for Nala to get used the new place and get comfortable and secured and me to even make myself touch and stroke her. Cats are unique, different from dogs the way they express their affection. I had to learn about cats.

As months went by given I work from home I got to know her. She does have her own characteristics. Need to understand the stark difference between dog which is dependent on humans where as cats are independent, they come to humans only if they need something. Nala too was a perfect example of the quote "Dogs comes when you call them, but cats take the message and will get back to you". Given all this cats still have their own way with humans.

I feel they are child like but dogs I would compare to a hyper energetic demanding child Vs cats low demanding affectionate child. Nala has grown closer to me which Divya vehemently disagrees though. When ever I come in to the house Nala would come towards me, brush on me, circle me and lie down for me to pet her..few mts thats all then she would go to take care of her own business. But having a pet does surely calm me down..it infuses a warm feeling having Nala, talking to her and stroking her and just watching her sleep.

And lastly adding that the one "lizard on the wall" person is the one who enters the house literally calling out for Nala out of anyone at home. The first thing Mani does even before removing his shoes is to play with Nala with a piece of paper. Now Im not very sure if I will get a dog ..

Back..

Itching to put down my thoughts circling in my head. Nipped out that laziness preventing me to jot the updates and happenings. Phew! its been 5 year..only 5 short years I should say if I look back at Sandhya and Divya. Boy they are in teens..well almost. They are almost encompassing all of my fears with teen age demands ..almost. Now while writing this my mind is taking a step back , my mind away from the body and analyzes the situation. My mind is knocking me down with the facts. Hey you.. they are good kids ..for the most part...yeah ofcourse..I retort...why dont you celebrate that instead of whining on the bad part of the teenage years..yeah I know right I should do that..but but ms.Mind where and when do I whine ...I thought you created this blog just for that..Mind is thinking now
OK enough of that..this will be my melting pot or the kitchen sink where you mix everything or dump everything either way. 12/10/15 The girls are getting ready for their winter concert at school. I help them wear their mascaras and eye liners. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT Im asking myself. Sigh. I learned to balance acts to some extent. I learned to step in to their shoes a tiny bit. Until last event I was huge opposer of them wearing any kind of cosmetics. I explain it is not good to use those chemicals so early blah blah.. they are upset..try crying ..putting a scene..to who? me..poor kids..the NO never changed coming out of my mouth. And then there I am at the venue utterly shocked to see such young girls in full blown make up. I pinch myself and realize this is the reality..I see the hesitation in Divya's body language..an insecurity in Sandhya in moving around freely..they are quiet..unusually quiet and go to a corner making sure they are not giving a chance to their friends and other girls ask them why they are not dressed up.. That's when it clicked..I tried to put myself in their position..I see it as a less than normal for not dressing up..I feel Im not normal..fitting in to the social crowd there. But obviously I had to come back to my own shoes..I decided it is OK to have some leeway.. I bought them some basic cosmetics..and put down some rules..I still don't allow them to wear lipstck or perfume..deodrants are fine, chap sticks are fine ..no foundation or colorful eye shadow or any such things. Trying to keep it to a minimal..trying to teach them to be modest at the same time not feel lonely..I have to unlearn and re learn things to understand them as individuals. They are happy now that I let them do some things. Im happy they are happy with the allowed rules and demanding for more ..as of now..win win ..right..Please Mind say its a win win..you damn thing .. Note: I tried to change, not before Sandhya commented the she wished she was born to a girl mom and that Im actually a boy mom.. She could not imagine to the slightest possible way how can a Mother deny and neither does it for herself, these basic stuff that all GIRLS Do..that means logically Im not a Girl..which makes sense :)

Marayoor

I happen to go to this place called Marayoor during my stay in India. This is by no means a tourist place, but a small town in Kerala, and Tamil Nadu border. I haven't heard of this town before. It so happened that we got an opportunity to stay at a friends house which was empty. The friend who reside in the US bought that small house there on a whim and praised and talked so high about the location. When we all, the kids, me and my siblings family left from Chennai, we did not have a slightest idea about the place. All we knew was that there was a house we can stay and the town is nice and peaceful. But it proved to be a complete stress buster with its lush, very lush green surroundings and trees. Its hilly region but not too high altitude though. The Jackfruit trees and wild vines and bushes were present where ever you turn your head. Other than that its just a small town with a central place for small shops , few hotels and a bank and some grocery and roadside fruit vendors. There were narrow foot paths around the house leading to the neighbors houses and a there was a trail surrounded by big trees that sometimes you will miss seeing the path, which lead to a small waterfall. Probably the people who live there were so much used to this waterfall that they don't go up every day. So when we reached the falls it was just us. Only us and the falls and the flowing river and the trees. Imagine how the kids would've felt. Of course I don't have words to describe it. They totally had a blast. We were soaking in the water from morning till noon and went down ate a nice kerala meal and then went up again to soak up the sun and water until we saw dark clouds gathering. We started to run back down and reached the house just in time when the monsoon rains started to pour. Came to know that such heavy rains are common everyday scene there during June-July season. The rain just poured non-stop for an hour, a typical monsoon rain which was a welcome amidst the afternoon heat unlike the cold chilly drizzles that is called rain here where I live. It was just lovely , I'm sure that the kids, nephews and nieces would savor this memory for a long time to come..me too..

Trip

Why is it that a trip to India always results in more home sickness? This time I was able to take 3 weeks off to be there. Invariably I was playing with the idea of postponement but eventually left on the day I was supposed to leave. Too many things to do too many people to meet at least satisfied that I was able to complete half the things I planned. Just staying indoors chatting with my mother and arguing with my father sitting in the front porch during evening times with a warm breeze which includes the flying mosquitoes and late night chat with my brother is all I wanted for a perfect vacation getaway.

M is now in India and will be returning soon with Sandhya and Divya who we had left there to spend more time with the 2 sets of grand parents. They seem to like their stay so far sans the minor discomforts namely the mosquitoes and squat type toilets in some places they visit. Soon, I will be once again settling down in to the routine grind ...drop off, pickup..day care...school... work...packing lunches..swim classes..music classes...

surprisingly I'm looking forward to it after nearly a 2 month break from them, like the excitement and the anticipation we have towards the first day of school after summer holidays...hmmm, I know it sounds too cliched..the truth is I will be yearning for another vacation exactly 1 week after it starts.

How Not To End a Weekend

I had a very bad Friday last week. I would not say I did not 100% expect it, it was just looming over the horizon waiting to happen any day and it happened last Friday. With the worlds 2 big distraction as my passengers I had a minor accident. I hit a car in front of me during my drive home from work. The damage was not big and touch wood, nobody in both the cars did not have any injuries. I had collapsed and had a break down inside the car and on the phone with M , though I put a brave casual face to the other party and the cops. Divya asked for a cookie and I turned back to say something and by the time I turned around the car in front of me had stopped completely and I did not have enough time to stop. Since it was already a stop and go traffic where I was not moving more than 5 miles/hr the damage was not big but still it just shook me up. I had never had incidents in my record since I got my license, although M would have a different story but I had never got a speeding ticket or a red jump or a parking ticket where I had to pay, my record was spotless and in a split second its gone. I will have this accident on my record for the next 5 years. During my break down inside the car until the cops came I did not fail to take the kids on a guilt trip to an extent that they started crying (yeah I know, I should not have turned back what ever the reason, but I need someone to blame like M use to say, but that's me, I don't have any intention to change) and when I told this I got an earful from my parents in regards to the blame. So spent close to an hour on the freeway and another hour on the phone with the insurance and another couple of hours on the phone with my parents cursing my bad time, this country, finally slept through the night emotionally exhausted. Well this is the first time for me I'm sure I will get over from next time onwards :) (hope none of the good/bad fairies/angels around me heard that line).

conversations
=============

D: Sandhya, why did you eat my chocolate that I had saved in my bag?
S: Well you did not eat it for a long time so I ate it
D: amma, can you stop her from doing this, she always does this, she never listens to me, she always spoils my toys, she always uses my pen without my permission, she always ...(continues)
Me and Sandhya were already zoned out..

after a while

S: Divya, how come you eating 2 toasts and I got to have only one?
D: Well, you ate my chocolate
S: (cutting through) is that a pay off
D: Yes
S: okay (continues with her work)

Its almost always better to stay away from banters. It works out on its own 99% of the time

Conversations..

Now that they are seven and in first grade Sandhya and Divya's conversation has got more girlish rather babyish. They play with each other most of the time..but they also bully and tease each other quite often too. Though the bullying party enjoys wheres the bullied one screams and lay down the ground for a fight, I can very well see how they are going to be closer with each other in their older age. I still remember how I would scream for help from my mom to come intervene and stop my brother from bullying me ( oh..that annoying teasing laughter he had..)when we were young but as the years went by we became closer, talking out our problems..ofcourse over the phone. It does not matter whether we are able to resolve each others problem, just lending and borrowing ears to talk out our happiness or frustrations. I always feel lighter after I have a talk with my brother though its like once a month or so given his busy schedule. last week Divya was standing on the doorway to the kitchen when Sandhya came rushing in pushing Divya on her way, :

Divya (screaming and whining): Sandhya why did you hit me, its aching
Sandhya: Noo, I din't hit you I just tapped you on my way
Divya: No, you hit me and pushed me like this ** and demonstrates it on Sandhya**
Divya: this how you did it
Sandhya( sounding accented): ookayy..but I'm not crying and whining like youuu
Divay: Screaming for me to come and intervene *yes..just like I did when I was her age*

Bliss..

I had stayed home yesterday for the Dr. King Jr holiday(school and day care are closed so had to stay home for the kids). As I had always felt, a 2 day weekend always leaves me with a wish that it would be nice to have just 1 more day to relax before the work week starts. This past weekend I decided to treat it as a 2 day and completed all my chores and reserved the Monday to spend with the girls. I had a pleasant time with the kids. I had all the world's patience when I helped them with their homework which is a rarity, then we did a small experiment with matter states as their homework activity. I showed them how water froze in to ice and retained a shape of the container. It was a such a delight to watch them getting excited over it, checking out the freezer every few minutes while the water was turning in to ice (and at the end of the day I happened to notice that there were close to 5 cups of water sitting in the freezer). Then I warmed the ice over the stove and closed with a glass lid to show them how the vapor turned in to water again. They pulled up a stool next to the stove and watched it with such an excitement. I cooked lunch, that which they wanted to have not what I could easily cook. With the storm and rain going on outside we three bundled up in the bed cozily and did book reading after lunch. Divya as usual ended up pretending a teacher and read books until we all fell asleep and had a nice little afternoon nap. I got up had a steaming cup of chai while they were still sleeping. Ha! that was bliss..believe me,I was so very close to quit my job today...but yeah, no need to mention that I'm typing this out sitting at my work place...

How much can you protect?

The other day while having dinner Divya was chatting away as usual with her imaginary stuff and questions and also what she did in school that day and some where in the middle of this she asked me if I know the bad word that stands for this, raising her middle finger. I was shell shocked for a moment did not know what to answer. Slowly I recovered deciding that it should be handled as smooth as possible. I know that if you try to divert or cut short her question by commanding not to talk about it , it will surely perk up her curiosity more. She was as casual as she can which made be accept that she is not aware of what she is asking about. So I continued myself as casually as I possibly could. I said that I did not understand her question. She elaborated that one of the kid in her class said that showing a middle finger means a bad word, but did not say what the word is and she went ahead and asked me if I know the word. I said that I indeed know it and said that as she herself put it, is a "bad" word and totally not appropriate not only for the kids but even for adults like me and so said that I will not say it out for my sake too. She seem to be quite satisfied with my answer as she moved on to talking other things which is a sign that she is not interested in it anymore so no more questions about it. I too left it like that, but after a while I felt the need to talk to her because basically I was not settled in my mind. I sat next to her and as if generally speaking said that bad words are meant to hurt others and since we don't want to hurt others we should never use if we know its bad and told her that even if she hear other kids use them, she should either use the "I" message to let them know that its not appropriate and let them know how she feels. She was quiet for sometime and then just started playing. I think I did my best or may be ther is a different way to deal I don't know ...seriously...how much can you protect them? They go to a public school and they meet so many kids from so many different backgrounds. All we can do is to choose a good neighborhood, look at the past history and score of the school. We can teach them to identify what is bad and good and what is appropriate and inappropriate so that they develop self judgment while they choose/pick or associate themselves with other kids..rest I think is totally out of any parents control. Hope and wish that I will not be wondering what the H***k I was doing bringing them up when they hit the teenage..thats another whole story

M:Hey Divya shall I get you a Wii for Christmas
Divya(with a serious face): No, thank you. My gift is all ready and on its way from North Pole
===============================================
They have been teaching the Bumburo song(Mission Kashmir - Preity Zinta and Hrithik Roshan)in Divyas class for a multi culture performance. She herself not knowing hindi would sing with random words which sounds/rhymes close to the actual lyrics. Me got curious and asked her how are other kids meaning non-indian kids singing this song.
Divya,"They sing like this...Bumburo, bumburo blah, blah, blah, blah bumburo"
===============================================

Lost and Found

People who have met Sandhya ..even just couple of times.. may know this, she gets distracted so easily. Distraction happens even when you are out walking with her. She starts to walk with me and slowly trail behind if I'm not holding her hand and in some cases literally dragging her in a sense to keep up with me. As now she is not a *baby* any more she refuses to being held by me and insists that she would walk next to me on her own. So now whenever she trails behind, every now and then I had to stop turn back to check her and call her to hurry up. As to the question of why she is slow is because she likes to watch things around her, to an extent that she sometimes comes to a standstill and stop walking to watch whatever that's amusing to her...and things that amuse her are endless from simple conversation between complete strangers to just a traffic light or a passing car..goes on..but you get the idea.

This last thanksgiving weekend, we went out for shopping (of course we do contribute our part to the black Friday). After couple of stops we came to a complex housing both Walmart and Khols, M wanted to checkout something at khols but I wanted to get some basic things needed at home which were missing our radar when ever we go to the shop like Tooth Paste (I would like to add here that we had been using all kinds of tools to wipe out that last bit of paste from the tube because of our forgetfulness, really amazing..)So we decided to split me with Sandhya to Walmart and M with Divya to Khols. After we are done we met at Walmart and were going to go out when M told me that he bumped in to one of our friend there in Walmart when he was coming in, me curious to meet her too said to him that I will go meet her and join him at the parking lot. Assuming that both the girls would follow him I retreated in to the store not looking back just to get frustrated not being able to locate my friend in that crowd.

I went out to the parking lot and saw M waiting with Divya. When M did not find Sandhya with me he asked me about her, he was assuming that Sandhya was with me. We both panicked and ran back in to the store without knowing what to do. A big ball of acid started churning in my stomach. Where would we look for her in this crowd I thought. Swimming across the crowd we reached the staffs standing near the counter and asked them if they had seen a girl wandering, explaining her jacket color and stuff. They said there was a small girl found and is made to sit with a security guard near the fitting room and that they were about to page for the parents. We made a mad rush to the fitting rooms praying that the girl should be Sandhya. Well yes, it was Sandhya sitting there as calm as ever and doing her favorite thing..watching people passing by. I felt angry, sad and happy ...roller coaster of emotions. But she did started crying the moment she saw us..

Once after we reached the car, all kinds of scary thought came popping out..what if she went out to the parking lot searching for us, what would have happened if someone had took her or got hit by a car...With all these thoughts we turned back to her and said,"Sandhya this is what happens if you don't pay attention", at this point came out the background of her getting missed. When I turned back to look for my friend, Sandhya had started walking with M and Divya at which point Divya had told her that she was supposed to go with me and should not join her and appa. Sandhya listening to her sister obediently turned back and tried to join me, me unaware of this was walking swiftly, in the process she missed tracking me and ended up wandering around crying.

Both me and M started to preach what she was supposed to do (god forbid) if this is to happen again. We pressed as strong as possible that she should never ever go out of the store or with any stranger even if they say that they saw the parents waiting out and that they would take her to the parents...hopefully she remembers it, because it did not look like it, as she responded to us saying, "I know the person I talked to was working there, how can they ever take me out during their work time, it cannot happen" Sigh.. .

The "mean" Game

I like to narrate about incidents when I was growing up to Sandhya and Divya. They in fact like to hear those stories than the stories from books as I do spice it up when I'm narrating to them. I recently was telling them how I used to go to my grandfather's village during summer holidays when I was small when the talk about summer activities came up. I was mentioning how it used to be fun then running around backyards with uncountable coconut and mango trees, bating in the ponds where at one end of the pond buffaloes will be sun bathing too. They listened to me with beady eyes interrupting with questions like how far did you climb the tree to pluck the mangoes or did it itch when you played on the haystack like it does when we play on the lawn or how cousins you had or did you really catch fish with hands etc . As a year end project they did a model to represent a farm and all the activities in their class were based on learning about farm It started when Divya showed me her craft where she made a rooster out of a plastic cup with a string hanging and a small sponge tied at the end, she showed me that when you wet the sponge and use it to pull the string it sounds like a chicken clucking. Then she told me "this is how a chicken sounds do you know it". I smiled and said I know how it sounds , I have seen it ..paused a bit and asked them have you ever seen a rooster, they sadly nodded no, then my evil laughter sprung up, I midst laughing started playing it.."Oh not even once you have seen it...in your whole life , you have not seen a hen?" at first it was amusing to them with me laughing they enthusiastically nodded and said No for all my questions..it was fun..but soon Sandhya's face turned red and she stopped smiling. She went and sat at the corner of the Sofa and said "amma its all your fault, you should've shown us the roosters when we were in India last time, and now you are making fun of us"..

Sure enough we did not see a rooster or hen for the meager amount of time we visited M's grandfather's village during our last visit. With every body migrating to towns and cities villages are not anymore lively. Its like some zombie place. Its been decades since I visited my grandfather's village but the memories of my summer vacation are still sweet. We managed to see a goat and its 2 days old kid during that trip. It was an experience for the girls. they were really excited. Of all the things that attracted them there was one thing that Sandhya was really in to examining. It was Goats poop. There were of course lots around and she asked us what it was that's looking like black beans. She was not ready to believe that it was the goat's poop. We had to try hard to not make her touch it. She was keeping on coming back to it asking us was it really the poop :).

Stubborn is her other name

Between Sandhya and Divya, the latter is known for her stubbornness in our household. If she had something in her mind and she is not seeing that happening she is a real pain in the B***. She throws tantrums, screams and cry non stop at least minimum for an hour. The problem is once she is upset she wouldn't want to change her mood even when she is offered what she was expecting or would not accept any deviation or substitute from what she was looking for in other words she is totally inflexible. So the usual reaction from us is to ignore her for that hour until she is tired of crying. With that pre text I chanced to experience an interesting episode with her character past weekend.

I usually keep some extra candys in one of top shelf of the kitchen cabinets believing that they won't be able to reach it even if they use a chair. Divya successfully had broken my belief. In the excitement that she was able to grab some candy she had hurriedly popped one in her mouth and ran outside to the backyard. On her way she had dropped one on the rug. Outside she did not expect to see Sandhya , and Sandhya seeing her chew something had asked her what she was eating, Divya as shrewd as she is said she was eating nothing. Suspicious Sandhya ran to me saying Divya is eating something yellow in color and that she is not sharing with her. The immediate panic for me was to search for any missing tablets and such and confirming that nothing like that were lying around I encountered Divya.

Me: Divya, what are you eating/
Divya: Nothing
Me; I see something in your mouth, tell me what you had , I want to know that its not something dangerous
Divya: No, amma , its not dangerous
Me: oh..so what did you have?
Divya: I don't know
Me: You don't know what you ate? then I think we have to the hospital to check it out.C'mon lets go..
Divya: No, Its not poisonous we don't have to go
At this point I saw the dropped candy on the floor and I guessed what had happened. She did not wanted Sandhya or me to know that.
Me: (continuing the conversation)so what shape was it?
Divya: I don't know
Me: did you atleast know what color it was?
Divya: I don't know
Me: Ok. was is tasting sweet?
Divya: No it was tasteless
Me: @#$%^!!!!

I frankly did not know how to pry out the answer from her mouth and make her accept that she indeed ate a candy. I wanted to make her feel that it was ok to have and that she should let me know so that I can watch out that she accidentally did not consume something else thinking it was a candy.

Since I did not know how to proceed. I said that I know what she had eaten and that since she was not honest she has to sit on a time out. She to much of my surprise turned to the wall and sat down without a whine or a word or a sulk. She sat there until I called her get up which was close to 30 mts because usually timeouts in our house are not that strict, they fuss and probably sit for a minute or two and then run away so I forgot about the timeout I gave Divya and when I entered the room after 30 mts she was there still sitting facing the wall. I attributed that purely to her guilt :) I then did all the pampering and advised her to be careful in what she eats and be honest with amma and appa which will only help her. At the end she cried a bit and nodded that she would listen to me. Just before letting her go..I asked her one last time..."Divya, you did eat the yellow candy that I had from valentines day left over right, tell me I won't bother you again?" She stared at me for a moment evaluating and then nodded a big NO and ran out...

Updates

Its been a while since I wrote any post. Sure there's a lot going on with the school year ending. Sandhya and Diva will be officially out K and entering first grade in a few weeks. I was busy with finding summer classes with suitable timings for them. Glad that their care taker is willing to shuttle them to and fro from the classes.

A few weeks back their school put up a performance of "The three Little Piggy Opera".The CDs congaing the songs were sent home well ahead like a month before the performance so that the children can practice through the spring break until the performance date. Of course we had 2 Cds one from each of Sandhya and Divya's class. I had one in the car and one at home. Soon before I realized I had all the songs memorized. I was singing 'em while cooking..working..you name it. Sandhya and Diva were catching up too with their favorite song being "I wanna big fat pig to eat..". They had a lottery in their class for the all the roles and the kids who were not offered any role supposed to be the chorus. It so happened that Sandhya was to be a brick peddler and Divya a mother pig.

I took the day off as the performance timing were different for both of them planning to be present for both of them ( oh yeah ..of course I was looking for reasons to take off from work). I dropped them at school and the plan was that I will be hanging around their class helping the teacher until the performance and then M would join me with camera and stuff at the hall. So far so good..10 mts before Divya's performance M called me to say that he was stuck at work and won't be able to make it and asked to get the camera from his car parked at his office. Now his office is close by but I had doubts if I can make it, that is go pick up the camera and come back within 10 mts. I calculated that it will take sometime for them to set things up on the stage and that it wouldn't start exactly at the said time what with excited 5 year olds lining up I thought. I took a risk and I badly lost it. By the time I reached the hall Divya was already done with her song. What shall I say except to curse myself for running out to pick up the camera, if not recorded atleast I could've watched her sing.

I have the consolation that I was able to take some pictures of her in the costume. She without failing asked me "Amma how did I do?" and I without any hesitation said "It was wonderful Divya". She continued to say that she did well because she could not see me in the audience so she did not feel shy !!!!..

I had ample time before Sandhya's class performance so I took a front prominent seat set myself ready with the camera. I thought of recording the whole thing instead of just Sandhya's part. The moment when Sandhya went to stage for the brick peddler scene the camera shut down as the memory was full. Since we did not have time to charge our video camera I was using the photo camera, the idea was to replace it with extra memory card which I conveniently left it in the car..duh!! I cannot say how stupid I felt at that moment sitting there, but yeah at least I enjoyed watching her who after all those practice stood there until her partner, another girl, started off with wrong lines. It was supposed to be Bricks I sell, Bricks I sell...instead the girl started off like I sell Brick, I sell bricks..Sandhya realizing the error instead of correcting it turned around to look at her partner held her arms tightly and was pulling her arms down. Thankfully her teacher prompted with the right lines and then they completed singing the lines with a big smile and laughter from the audience..

ahh.. well of course its just the beginning I have another 12 years of school performance/concerts may be to attend, I will make it up with the next one.