I started Meditation, started following The Heartfullness Way in Jan 2017, its over a year now that I'm practicing it. Probably I will use this space as a journal to my experiences. It is not with any conviction I started following the Heartfullness Way, I was rather looking for some kind of outlet to my personal situations and turmoil I was going through that period of time. I got a contact close to where I live through my sister who is practicing this for a while now. I took that opportunity to try, as I did not have any expectations, but with my little reading knowledge I know Meditation is something I would want to take up in my life at some point, but only I did not know where to start. So that was a perfect moment and opportunity to start which I did.

I met with the preceptor, received 3 inductions sitting for 3 days consecutively, which is basically a guidance on how to start with Mediation, the process and what to expect and such. I was told that when I sit meditating, it is natural to get thoughts arising, could be about anything, and was instructed to gently let go of the thought and remind myself gently about the present and divert attention to my heart and relax. That's an easy sentence to write and it was the hardest to do. On my second day, so much emotions going through my mind, I could not control sobbing, nothing in particular but I was sobbing uncontrollably. After that session I did feel lighter, but it was definitely not a magic pill that continued and everything was a happy path that day onward, actually far from it.

Regardless I kept practicing, usually I loose count of the times I remind myself that I'm mediating and gently bring back my attention to my heart during the mediation but I was told that is fine, I just need to accept that by going through the thoughts it basically means that I'm indirectly letting go of them from my system and will help me feel lighter and more cheerful from within. I believed, I said to myself every time I bring back my attention to "Let it go, it's Ok" I take a deep breath and relax focusing on my inner self and divinity I try to move towards.

I should admit I struggled to keep up with my practice around June of Last year when I lost my friend to brain tumor. I witnessed her passing away. That was the most closest loss I had in my life until that point. In fact this is one of the mental state that studies say Meditation helps to regain stability and calmness, but I could not do. I could not sit with my eyes closed for even few minutes without the thoughts of loss and life occupying my mind and more than that feeling of fear. For over 2 months I did not get anywhere near the thought of sitting down for meditation. It was painful. Then slowly I started again, with frequent visit to my preceptor for my 1:1 sitting. they say in the Heart fullness way, session with preceptor helps elevate your experience as their years and years of meditative experience help clean/purify the receptor or the abhyasi. I can vouch for that. I don't know what, nor can I explain or prove this is what is happening but, it does make me feel less burdened and more pious

This is not about religion or belief about god, it is about simple truth that every soul is divine, a path to naturally bring that inner divinity by practicing, by letting the heart guide you, it is the belief that every soul is right in their own perspective

Over the time, I noticed subtle difference in my decision making factors. My introspection on my deficits. This introspection helped change my attitude and how I react to a situation. This I feel was the biggest thing.."How I react.." Introspection helped me see myself. It is like a domino, you trigger one which leads to chain of events, similarly you change or fix one thing which leads to outcomes that you really did not plan. I fixed my reaction , which mainly includes anger and ego, which no wonder led to positive changes around me. When you are calm, the situation is under your control. It is still on going progress though.

I noticed that I do not dwell on small things by practicing letting go off, helped me to see or handle a situation as a third party. To see the situation outside of the circle to make more sense of it rather than being inside of it and dwelling on it which in my opinion leads to regrettable decisions. This may sound subtle but I cannot explain how big a change it is bringing in my outlook to life.

So what is the point?, what is life?, what is beyond family?. what is your purpose?

Practicing detachment is my goal. Detachment including family, situations and materials. This I think is the key for inner peace and happiness. Don't want to get attached and dwell inside of it. Get outside of the circle. Be pious , take decision from the heart as much as possible. That is my goal, that is my purpose. It may not help the world but it will help me and my surrounding ..remember the domino effect, you never know what ripple effect it will induce..I'm going for it.

Patience..

I am not a zen like patient person but neither did I think that I am easily triggered to a rage albeit non-violent. I am being put through the test starting a year or so back when the girls hit the dreading teens. A simple statement avalanches in to an un-stoppable argument  draining my energy and loosing focus on what is the case in point which started the argument. Almost always there is never a case in point. Few months back I was forced to a take a step back to think about it, thanks to various situations leading up to it. I was surprised to realize how quickly I was engrossed every time when there is an argument to prove my point , yelling over them trying to prove that I'm right jut because I'm a parent so I know and trying to make them surrender and follow my words. I realized I did not come to terms with the fact that they are growing in to adults and they are bound to have their opinions, right or wrong,  which I had a hard time to accept. So really the problem was me not growing as a parent and accepting them as individuals. I blame partly the way I was brought up. I was conditioned basically to believe a dependent child does not have a voiceor decision making right , leave alone raising the voice to state an opinion, as long as the decision is made by the adults aka parents. If at all there was a difference of opinion, there was prompt raise of a authority to put me down in place. Authority, I was made to believe, is the way to raise the children.

Being authoritative clearly did not work in my case with my girls. It just resulted in heart ache, ego crumbling self pity that I'm not being respected and I did not raise them properly. It took me a while during that time of stepping back, to understand that being respected does not directly equate to children follow your orders without any opinion, there is nothing wrong of them to confront me. They are not robots, they are blossoming individuals. I felt I just snapped out of some vicious inner circle. It is OK to have an opinion, especially when they are trying to find an identity for themselves, they want to oppose everything just for the sake of it, Many a time I do see that they confront even though they know they make no sense,it is part of growing up which clearly I did not have. Some times it is better to let them take wrong decisions and experience what it takes to correct the wrong choice then to force them to do anything that we think is right. This is so very valuable for them, to arrive at right decisions later in life.

I realized that this very thing is what I missed growing up which made my life not very smooth when I started out first outside of the shadow of my Parents. I was so fearful  to make a decision on anything, because I was used to parents making it for me under the idea that they are experienced , will never let me fail. True, may be up until that point before I was independent I was not essentially a failure by social standards, but then  I was fearful that I might be a failure left on my own, which was crippling me to do anything on my own, I was always looking for assertion by someone, help from someone to lead me, who can take care of me, take right decisions for me so I'm not burdened by all of this. I was willing to be submissive.

I definitely don't want the girls to go through the same thing and realize at 40's like me. Now a days I catch myself when we are getting in to an argument. I state my opinion but let them decide though not that easy I should say. This is were I'm working on my patience to not get agitated. Can I say I see a faint light at the end of the dark tunnel. I have seen them come back to me reversing their decision , reason being they discussed with their friends couple of times though not all the times. I'm willing to let them fail now rather later in life when sometimes it might be more difficult to turn around.

God Of Small Things..

I started with this book for the 7th time. I never get tired of this one.. I get a craving once in few years to read. There is no other writing that I have read so far, that has impacted me in a way Arundati's God Of Small Things did to me at various levels of emotions.

I get choked every time I come to the point where Rahel and Estha gets separated. Every time I get amazed at the powerful narration. This is the only book where I went right back to the first page when the story ended to start again. You need to, when you are reading for the first time, when all the loose ends gets tied, when you have all the scenes in your mind racing, you have to go back to the first page inevitably once you reach the last.

I read this first time when I was 22 yrs. The layers and depth of the story keep peeling out every time  I read as I get older.

I got mesmerized by the style of writing, the way a location is described or the way emotions are braided and displayed in each character. Most of it all I can relate to, more so with Ammu as I age.

Nala Chronicles

Nala- My soul companion, that dream cuddly catchild with big eyes that expresses complete
surrender and affection looking in to my eyes, and melts my heart.

 Never in million years I imagined that I would have a cat as a pet in my house. Divya is a fanatic of the book series Warriors. Its basically a soap opera of cats and cat clans. She got in to it deeply , though personally I do not like or think its worth it as a good series, but its her interest. This added to the fact that the after school care person she went to when she was in elementary school owned couple of cats attracted Divya towards felines. When Sandhya and Divya were at the stage asking for pets, Sandhya was fixated about adopting a dog while Divya dropped a bomb saying she wants only cats. This conflict helped me for a while to postpone adopting any kind of pet.

I grew up with dogs. Im familiar with them including the "bites", which I was comfortable with but cats...it was never considered a pet to begin with the way I was brought up. I even told Divya that they are mean , will not even look in to your eyes like dogs does. So there was absolutely zero chance of getting a cat if at all we get a pet. This was going on for a quite some years.

 During the summer of 6th grade holidays Divya was constantly pestering me about getting an instagram account as her peers were on it..talk about peer pressure. I was desperately looking for some distraction and out of the blue I just threw in this deal, that if I get a cat she should not ask for social media until she is in 11th grade. She accepted the deal with open arms..because she is smart. She just have to wait for 2-3 years to get a social media account but she still gets a cat which would live for another 10-12 years to come and she gets both. For me I just overcame the pestering on daily basis. I was just thinking for that moment. I took her to the SPCA that weekend to keep up the promise. I really did not think in to this too much.

While all this is going on there was only one sentence that came out of Mani nonchalantly "I have nothing to do with the cat or any animal coming in to this house" ..he was like that lizard on the wall just watching us. We spent like 2-3 hrs checking out all the cats. She went in to a cat room named Tatiana. She sat down on the floor at the same time the cat woke up from its nap , walked slowly and smoothly got in to Divyas lap and started grooming. Divya fell in love immediately. Tatiana became Nala At that point I had no clue about cats and its behaviors. The next day one of our friend who also owns cat gave me a book on cats. Quiet interesting. I was apprehensive for the first few weeks to even touch her..restricting Divya not to let Nala on her bed, or sofa , put away the litter and food in the garage. It was about the same time for Nala to get used the new place and get comfortable and secured and me to even make myself touch and stroke her. Cats are unique, different from dogs the way they express their affection. I had to learn about cats.

As months went by given I work from home I got to know her. She does have her own characteristics. Need to understand the stark difference between dog which is dependent on humans where as cats are independent, they come to humans only if they need something. Nala too was a perfect example of the quote "Dogs comes when you call them, but cats take the message and will get back to you". Given all this cats still have their own way with humans.

I feel they are child like but dogs I would compare to a hyper energetic demanding child Vs cats low demanding affectionate child. Nala has grown closer to me which Divya vehemently disagrees though. When ever I come in to the house Nala would come towards me, brush on me, circle me and lie down for me to pet her..few mts thats all then she would go to take care of her own business. But having a pet does surely calm me down..it infuses a warm feeling having Nala, talking to her and stroking her and just watching her sleep.

And lastly adding that the one "lizard on the wall" person is the one who enters the house literally calling out for Nala out of anyone at home. The first thing Mani does even before removing his shoes is to play with Nala with a piece of paper. Now Im not very sure if I will get a dog ..

Back..

Itching to put down my thoughts circling in my head. Nipped out that laziness preventing me to jot the updates and happenings. Phew! its been 5 year..only 5 short years I should say if I look back at Sandhya and Divya. Boy they are in teens..well almost. They are almost encompassing all of my fears with teen age demands ..almost. Now while writing this my mind is taking a step back , my mind away from the body and analyzes the situation. My mind is knocking me down with the facts. Hey you.. they are good kids ..for the most part...yeah ofcourse..I retort...why dont you celebrate that instead of whining on the bad part of the teenage years..yeah I know right I should do that..but but ms.Mind where and when do I whine ...I thought you created this blog just for that..Mind is thinking now
OK enough of that..this will be my melting pot or the kitchen sink where you mix everything or dump everything either way. 12/10/15 The girls are getting ready for their winter concert at school. I help them wear their mascaras and eye liners. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT Im asking myself. Sigh. I learned to balance acts to some extent. I learned to step in to their shoes a tiny bit. Until last event I was huge opposer of them wearing any kind of cosmetics. I explain it is not good to use those chemicals so early blah blah.. they are upset..try crying ..putting a scene..to who? me..poor kids..the NO never changed coming out of my mouth. And then there I am at the venue utterly shocked to see such young girls in full blown make up. I pinch myself and realize this is the reality..I see the hesitation in Divya's body language..an insecurity in Sandhya in moving around freely..they are quiet..unusually quiet and go to a corner making sure they are not giving a chance to their friends and other girls ask them why they are not dressed up.. That's when it clicked..I tried to put myself in their position..I see it as a less than normal for not dressing up..I feel Im not normal..fitting in to the social crowd there. But obviously I had to come back to my own shoes..I decided it is OK to have some leeway.. I bought them some basic cosmetics..and put down some rules..I still don't allow them to wear lipstck or perfume..deodrants are fine, chap sticks are fine ..no foundation or colorful eye shadow or any such things. Trying to keep it to a minimal..trying to teach them to be modest at the same time not feel lonely..I have to unlearn and re learn things to understand them as individuals. They are happy now that I let them do some things. Im happy they are happy with the allowed rules and demanding for more ..as of now..win win ..right..Please Mind say its a win win..you damn thing .. Note: I tried to change, not before Sandhya commented the she wished she was born to a girl mom and that Im actually a boy mom.. She could not imagine to the slightest possible way how can a Mother deny and neither does it for herself, these basic stuff that all GIRLS Do..that means logically Im not a Girl..which makes sense :)

Marayoor

I happen to go to this place called Marayoor during my stay in India. This is by no means a tourist place, but a small town in Kerala, and Tamil Nadu border. I haven't heard of this town before. It so happened that we got an opportunity to stay at a friends house which was empty. The friend who reside in the US bought that small house there on a whim and praised and talked so high about the location. When we all, the kids, me and my siblings family left from Chennai, we did not have a slightest idea about the place. All we knew was that there was a house we can stay and the town is nice and peaceful. But it proved to be a complete stress buster with its lush, very lush green surroundings and trees. Its hilly region but not too high altitude though. The Jackfruit trees and wild vines and bushes were present where ever you turn your head. Other than that its just a small town with a central place for small shops , few hotels and a bank and some grocery and roadside fruit vendors. There were narrow foot paths around the house leading to the neighbors houses and a there was a trail surrounded by big trees that sometimes you will miss seeing the path, which lead to a small waterfall. Probably the people who live there were so much used to this waterfall that they don't go up every day. So when we reached the falls it was just us. Only us and the falls and the flowing river and the trees. Imagine how the kids would've felt. Of course I don't have words to describe it. They totally had a blast. We were soaking in the water from morning till noon and went down ate a nice kerala meal and then went up again to soak up the sun and water until we saw dark clouds gathering. We started to run back down and reached the house just in time when the monsoon rains started to pour. Came to know that such heavy rains are common everyday scene there during June-July season. The rain just poured non-stop for an hour, a typical monsoon rain which was a welcome amidst the afternoon heat unlike the cold chilly drizzles that is called rain here where I live. It was just lovely , I'm sure that the kids, nephews and nieces would savor this memory for a long time to come..me too..

Trip

Why is it that a trip to India always results in more home sickness? This time I was able to take 3 weeks off to be there. Invariably I was playing with the idea of postponement but eventually left on the day I was supposed to leave. Too many things to do too many people to meet at least satisfied that I was able to complete half the things I planned. Just staying indoors chatting with my mother and arguing with my father sitting in the front porch during evening times with a warm breeze which includes the flying mosquitoes and late night chat with my brother is all I wanted for a perfect vacation getaway.

M is now in India and will be returning soon with Sandhya and Divya who we had left there to spend more time with the 2 sets of grand parents. They seem to like their stay so far sans the minor discomforts namely the mosquitoes and squat type toilets in some places they visit. Soon, I will be once again settling down in to the routine grind ...drop off, pickup..day care...school... work...packing lunches..swim classes..music classes...

surprisingly I'm looking forward to it after nearly a 2 month break from them, like the excitement and the anticipation we have towards the first day of school after summer holidays...hmmm, I know it sounds too cliched..the truth is I will be yearning for another vacation exactly 1 week after it starts.